Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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