If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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