Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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