So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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