So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
