i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
