btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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