Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Randomize
