we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
