Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Hippo gnu deer
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize