So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Let's get the cat blown out
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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