I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
