I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think im going to throw up on grandma
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
