do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
