i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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