when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize