Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
