I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
