you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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