she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
