you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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