Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
