I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
