This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
