Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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