If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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