She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
