Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
