I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
