i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think I just sharted jello shots
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
