Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
