four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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