Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
