Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
