i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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