I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
