I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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