Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
