your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
