Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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