Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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