new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A+ Viking dick
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
