I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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