He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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