I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
