Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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