Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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