I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
