I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
