This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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