Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
