matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
