Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I will pee on everything he values.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
