Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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