the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
