I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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