For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
