Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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