mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize