you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize