Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
